Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's
rare,
but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the
worst,
but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not
the
end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was
totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the
world
and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer
dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22,
it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump
accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump
Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays
with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump
Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone
CO-axial
cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You
wonder
admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the
bathroom
pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a
tent
around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't
ever,
ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump
This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can
be.
Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep.
And
just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the
Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that
empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You
could
use the curtains... no, someone would say, "Where are the curtains?"
Then
what would you say? The rug?... too cumbersome. Then you must come
to
the
same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must
face... Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself
to
the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump
> > > You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the
bowl
creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip:
Blot
instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump
You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT!
Pinch it
off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty,
but
you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caesarian Dump
Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its
simply
a
case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and
there's no
obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a
rather
pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good
bush
all
contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers
must
have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop
of
brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture
provided
by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma.
First
it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll
ever
see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming
"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to
resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there
are
only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump
The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the
ice
in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal
tract,
the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you
carried
your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that
time
on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize
why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a
sudden
you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall
hits
the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...
damn
commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are
within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover
the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very
important
here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound
effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without
worrying
about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump
mode.
So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place?
One
way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you
can't
reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump
For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little
morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone
else
wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and
wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just
hangs
there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the
bowl
water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has
scissors
The Houdini Dump
You go, then you stand up to flush, and the damn thing has
disappeared.
Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole
thing?
Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe... maybe you should just
to
make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you
don't,
you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who
comes in.

The Flu Dump
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down
first.
You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls
over
you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your
intestines
like a vice so you sit down again... up down up down. Don't you wish
Mom
were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about
going
in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking
a
shit
in an upright coffin". It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...
best
advice:
Go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump
In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the
firmament,
but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing
biblical
about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of
propulsion. The
dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any
further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there
like a
lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze
the
damn
thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is
to
pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty
picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow
the
whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is
consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump
You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl
water
forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle
on its
way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there... love it or
leave
it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump
Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your
hands
and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump
coming. You
have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven
encores.

The Born Again Dump
This is a dump that's going so badly, you say, "Lord, if I live
through
this, I'll take up religion." You always get through it, but seldom
keep
the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is
like
childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.